Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Study Art History

a.) ‘Cause they’ll never find a job. No, really. Here’s what happens: there are a billiondy art history majors. Some of them will go on to pursue doctorates in something actually useful. The rest of them will become government sops, managers at Ann Taylor, and sundry. The other 5 will get their MFA and their PhD and teach for a living. Which will be great. But only one of the 5 will actually ever make tenure. Turns out, Art History isn’t so useful in a modern economy for the world’s temporarily remaining superpower.

b.) Because this is what will happen:

b.1.)

b. 1.) (ahem) They will drink potentially too much, go to the restroom and see a $10 print of Argentinian-painter-who-paints people-dancing-on-the-beach. This print will be framed, “easily accessible” (in art criticism terms), and it will remind them, every time: art is something for coffee mugs and field trips. Sure, you thought it was an excellent vehicle for understanding the intersection of religion, culture, and history; but no, it’s simply a decorative representation of attractive people cavorting on a beach. In the moonlight.

b.2.) They will then be pissed aggravated because they can’t remember the Argentinian’s name. They will then be pissed at the status quo, which determines what is “Art” and what is “artistic.”

b.3.) Because they will see that painting, in the loo, and realize that they studied the history of the decorative, not the substantial, and even though Dostoevsky said “beauty will save the world,” it’s not true. Hard work, doggedness, decency–these will save the world, not Argentinians in satin, dancing on the sand. Doubly so for those who don’t paint the Argentinians in satin. Those people will do nothing of worth except create more words. As though there weren’t enough of those.

b.4.) They will hit their heads, roughly 3.5 hours after the first drink de choix, “Or was he Chilean?”

c.) Then they’ll encounter… Suzon. (Manet, A Bar at the Folies-Bergère,1882)

c. cont.) Suzon sees all.

You should have studied bandages, corn, and STEM technologies…Suzon sees. Suzon shouts “Mill! Utilitarianism! Be Useful!”

The boy you love…he’ll never know….Suzon sees.

The regret that you daren’t express out loud when you know you’re useless and you’ve gotten it all, like, as in every-freaking-thing, wrong…you guessed it, Suzon sees.

You love…and they’ll never know how much…yep, Suzon knows your secret, you transparent tool, you.

See, Mother, Mama, you who love an Art History major, Suzon knows: when your gal–or guy– has had just a pint enough to know what a waste, that knowledge for its own sake thing, actually is, in real-world terms. Suzon knows, too.

What’s worse? c.1.) Your Art History major knows, too. S/he’s probably written a paper or two on Suzon, for goodness’ sake. So your Art History darling knows that Suzon knows that you know that Suzon knows…

And Suzon sees that, too.

In fact, your Art History darling, when she’s not splitting her limited time on the planet between wondering the best policy decisions for her actual country and the reasons for papal-imperial conflict in the twelfth century in medieval Europe, has spent her time writing 5,100 words to her professor on why he’s wrong (R-O-N-G) that Suzon demonstrates Manet’s impartiality to the world (no, of course she doesn’t: Manet was painting Suzon’s closed relationship to the world as a service employee. There’s a difference.).

And Suzon, (sigh) sees that, too.

Suzon sees every memory the Art History victim has, every disappointment the Art History Failure has inflicted on her family, society, the world.

Suzon sees every failure, hurt, and care in the eyes of the one who observes.

And, dammit, the Art History major staring at the $20 Deck the Walls version of Suzon sees that Suzon sees.

And it’s all infinitely worse from the reflection.

And that, my Mama darlings, is why you (thou) should (shalt) never let your (thine) babies grow up to be Art History majors.

 

 

 

 

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Apropos of Dorothy: A Little Moment in Celebration of Crayons of the Eighties

Crayola crayons were and are always the best. However, in the eighties:

I was introduced to Prang crayons. My friend Megan had them. At first, I spied them suspiciously: they were not Crayolas. How could they possibly be good?

Alas, crayon snob. Prang crayons of the eighties were waxier, it is true. However, their color was far more saturated than Crayolas ever could be. I learned to love Prang crayons. Sadly, they never came in64 flavors colors. That was the drawback of eighties-era Prang.

And circa 1983, in a house of brown on Loomis Avenue in Colorado Springs, I (we, my sister and I) were introduced to K-Mart brand crayons. Yes, their box and wrappers sucked. They screamed of “generic.” But it would be misguided not to give them a chance. Waxier than Prang, waxier than candles, were the K-Mart brand crayons.

But.

There has never been a prettier color, not in nature, nor in artifice, than a 1983 K-Mart brand crayon in Kelly Green.

No, don’t argue. I win. (Who else would care about Crayons of the Eighties?)

And second place? Prussian blue. Also of the K-Mart persuasion. Crayola had nothing of the like.

Why? Because, seriously, that’s the color God chose when he invented the word, the very concept, of color. (Kelly green, K-Mart brand…I know I meander, but, c’mon. Pay attention.)

Crayola is still–will always be– the grand champion of crayon manufacturers. But K-Mart– well, they’re not so very successful now– but they will always be the ones who gave the most beautiful color to the world.

In 1983.

Just Another Random Monday (Makes it a Fun Day)

He’s Nothing if Not Thoreau

I dipped back into Thoreau’s Walden the other day. I know, he and his journal of his year in the woods are American classics, practically part of the American mythological, pseudo-religious canon, so what I’m about to say here is going to look a lot like unpatriotic sacrilege.

Thoreau’s authorial voice reminds me a lot of somebody’s grandma.

Truthfully, that’s neither good nor bad, qualitatively, and well, I’m pretty fond of grandmas, generally, and mine, specifically. But still, there aren’t that many grandmas around who have been canonized as one of the greatest thinkers in American history. (Not that your garden-variety grandmother couldn’t, shouldn’t, or never will be. I just can’t think of an example of that happening yet.)

So there’s that.

Then, there are just some things he writes about that seem awfully judgmental. For example, people should be reading Virgil (in the original Latin), Homer (in the original Greek—and how you’re going to find the “original” Greek-language version of Homer, I don’t know, considering we don’t have it and it’s thought to have been an oral epic, and perhaps there wasn’t a Homer), and a smattering of religious texts from other cultures. And, presumably, people should also be reading Walden. Those who aren’t reading these things are reading “Small books” and children’s tales, wasting their time, as grunting, savage, non-thinking animals are wont to do.

I find that a bit harsh. Mr. Thoreau, surely, surely, you could admit that enlightenment really could be found nearly everywhere. Or at least, consider: perhaps it’s less about the object than the viewer?

Too, for all Thoreau’s criticisms of the follies of man, when he enters into a critique of the vanity of fashionable dress, it struck me that criticizing clothing for being too excessive, too fashionable, too unnecessary is not really so much an improvement over criticizing clothing for being not enough of any of those things. The clothes don’t make the man—though, to the judgmentally inclined, to the self-appointed arbiters of Wisdom and Fashion alike, they evidently always do. Here again, perhaps it’s less about the object than the viewer?

Still, despite the tendencies of Thoreau to strike the reader as a strange hybrid of maiden aunt and basement blogger; despite the bizarre rantings against humanity for its surface excesses and deficits, there remains the Walden that interests, surprises, and still converses across the years.

Thoreau excoriates “The News” in Walden. “If you’ve read about one crime, no need to read about the others…” and the lack of substance amid the sensationalism. I found myself talking to Thoreau: “Well, Henry, clearly you’ve been watching Fox 59 again…So, H.D., what d’ya think of the 24 hour, 360 degree surround-sound of ‘news and stuff?’”

But mainly, so far, the part I like best is the same part everybody likes best: the message to look at what’s around you; to not miss life while supposedly “living;” the “I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary.”

Which, I’m pretty sure, is the part that put ol’ Thoreau up on the pedestal, forever at Walden Pond, one of the Great American Sages. I’m also pretty sure that bit alone earned him the spot fairly.

So, I’ll keep reading Walden just because of that. Though, when he hits Grandma mode, I may put it down in favor of On Civil Disobedience. I’m hoping that one doesn’t have an entire section on clothes.

IN-9 Update

Libertarian candidate for the 2012 U.S. House seat for Indiana’s Ninth District, Jason Sharp, exited the race July 16th, 2012. Via Twitter, Mr. Sharp stated that he was leaving the race in order not to split the vote and risk the victory of Democratic candidate, Shelli Yoder, over Republican incumbent, Todd Young. As I tweeted to him in response, I disagree with his thought that a Yoder victory would be “a disaster,” but I thought it was gutsy of him to run and I admired it. I do think it takes a lot of courage to run, especially when you’re not heavily backed, funded, and pedigreed. I wish the best to Jason Sharp. I imagine he’ll find his way on a ballot again.

In other news, there goes about an hour and a half of Jason-Sharp-specific blog prep and note-taking right down the ever-loving drain.

The Anonymous Artiste as a Young (?) Lady (?)

Found this rather charming piece of sidewalk chalk art on one of my walks around the neighborhood. The best things in life really are free. Enjoy.

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Happy St. Valentine’s Day

Jan van Eyck, The Arnolfini Portrait, oil on panel, 1434. National Gallery, London.

“The object of love is the best and most beautiful. Try to live up to it.” John Steinbeck

“Nor did I wonder at the lily’s white, Nor praise the deep vermilion in the rose; They were but sweet, but figures of delight, Drawn after you, — you pattern of all those.” William Shakespeare, Sonnet 98

“Love is or it ain’t. Thin love ain’t love at all.” Toni Morrison

“O love! O fire! Once he drew With one long kiss my whole soul through My lips; as sunlight drinketh dew.” Alfred, Lord Tennyson “Fatima”

“The red rose whispers of passion. And the white rose breathes of love; O the red rose is a falcon. And the white rose is a dove.” John Boyle O’Reilly “A White Rose”

“The rose is red; the violet’s blue/ The honey’s sweet and so are you/ Thou art my love and I am thine/ I drew thee to my Valentine/ The lot was cast and then I drew/ and Fortune said it should be you.” Gammer Gurton’s Garland, 1784

Love is All You Need (last year’s St Valentine’s post)

Happy New Year

File:Les Très Riches Heures du duc de Berry Janvier.jpg

January, Folio 2r, Les Très Riches Heures du Duc de Berry. The Limbourg Brothers, ca. 1412-1416. Ms. 65, Musée Condé, Chantilly, France.

Scumps! Scumps! A toast to this night! The outlook is rosy; the future is bright!

In days of old, the new year was brought in with gifts to one another (see illustration) and feasting.

Of course.

Well, however you may be celebrating, feasts, scumps, gifts or whatever, may you and yours (and all, everywhere) be granted all that you need and just enough of what you want…and the wherewithal to distinguish which is which.

2012: we haven’t screwed it all up yet.

Here’s to the hope that we don’t. Here’s to peace and goodwill among all peoples. Here’ s to the bright, shiny hope that this is the year we get it right. And to the hope that, even if we don’t, there will yet be peace of mind and moments of shining, pure, unadulterated joy among friends and family. There’s always the hope of 2013.

Happy, happy new year. A bit of luck and love to us all.

Scumps!

Go Tell it on the Random

Why I hate Twilight

Edward: “But, Bella, I’m a killer.”

Bella: “I don’t care.

(a.) Not much of a Thinker, is she? (b.) See also: Sweet Valley High, Super Milosevic Edition. (c.) Now she’s going to have to break off that long-distance pen pal love affair with that serial killer at the federal penitentiary. (d.) I’ll take “Things You Should Probably Care About” for a thousand, Alex.

The one and only thing Twilight didn’t get abysmally wrong

Bella: “Why do you like me?”

Edward: “Because you smell good. And, I can’t read your mind.”

Relationships have been built on worse grounds, really. Also, I can’t rule out the possibility that the entire evolution and proliferation of homo sapiens sapiens is built on the foundation of “Hey, you smell good and I don’t know what you’re thinking. Let’s go.”

Hey! I accidentally agree with Grover Norquist. Sorta.

To the assorted members of the Do-Gooder Billionaires’ Club who are advocating for higher taxes on themselves, Grover Norquist has said that a change in tax policy is ridiculous and Mr. Buffett, you can just go ahead and write a check to the U.S. Treasury if you feel so strongly about it. (Seriously, under “Gifts to Reduce the Public Debt.”)

Well, I think it’s snarky of Mr. Norquist to put it that way, however, yeah, billionaires and Average Americans alike: if this is your thing, then absolutely, throw a couple bucks into the maws of that debt. Walk the walk, or walk the talk, you know what I mean. But (1) keep talking about changing the tax policy, Grover’s wishes to the contrary notwithstanding and (2) make sure the whole country knows you voluntarily wrote a check to put your money where your mouth is and practiced what you preached, et cetera. But keep preaching. 

Oh, and (3) advocate to get that capital gains rate up to 20% or to match the income tax bracket. If nothing else, it’ll help me in my quest to avoid cases in which I agree with Grover Norquist.

(Yes, I realize that Mr. Norquist said this way back in Septemberish, but the recent story on PBS NewsHour about the “Patriotic Millionaires” refreshed me. So there you go.)

Lastly, Your Pre-Thanksgiving Dose of Americana

Edward Hicks, "The Residence of David Twining." Oil on canvas, ca. 1845-6. Carnegie Museum of Art.

I had originally intended to post Edward Hicks’ Peaceable Kingdom as the prelude to Thanksgiving (a.k.a. “Black Friday Eve”). Goodness knows that any of the 60-plus versions Hicks made of it are more famous than this painting.

But this one has a turkey in it.

Time Will Eat Us: This is Not a Pipe

Listening to the podcast of Fareed Zakaria GPS (CNN) from last weekend, I heard economist Ken Rogoff explain that we could predict things about the economy because “We have centuries of examples.” It’s a meme that’s been popular in the past decade (probably forever): that whole “those who don’t learn the lessons of the past are doomed to repeat them” thing; that whole grand belief system in the infallibility of history to repeat, wash, rinse, repeat.

History: that map that we must study in order to conquer.

Only. What if history is not a timeline we can follow?[1] What if history doesn’t repeat but only rhymes, as Mark Twain quipped? What if history is the ourobouros, the snake eating its own tail? A circle, spinning. A cycle? And how do we know the course of the cycle? We can only assume from 6000-ish years of people living sorta like us. We can only assume from an historical record that leaves more gaps and unknowns than quantifiable certainties. And what if we’ve been poor at reckoning the cycle?

Then, what if it is not a cycle? What if it’s a grid that stretches out into infinite space or infinite directions? Or what if each moment splits time and history into separate fragments and directions? What if it isn’t only one thing? Who are we to think we’ve got it figured out? Seems to me reality offers more evidence to the contrary than in support of us mastering the universe.

Let’s just go with the past decade: I have heard the world at large get all Miss Havisham-y about Iraq, Afghanistan, the economy. I have watched the events unfolding and frequently thought we were getting things wrong by assuming we had the pattern figured out: Iraq/Af/Pak/Iran/Al Qaeda were all variants of the Peloponnesian War, the Crusades, Vietnam, the first Gulf War. The economic recession of the early 2000s mimicked the recession of the early 80’s (go shopping and perk up, America!) and the Great Recession could be handled like the Great Depression Lite because it is/was the Great Depression Lite.

And for a decade, all I could picture was that Dickensian lady in her yellowed wedding gown looking at a moldy cake. The two thoughts were: What if we are wrong? And: No, this feels different, this looks different, this is looking to me (and I am admittedly amateur hour) like a Shift, a New Thing, a New World in the making—one of those restructurings that happen and change everything we know into Something Else. And we’re living in the transition from what was to what will be.

Thus, the worst possible thing we could do, if that last is the case, is to think America is “the greatest civilization the world has ever known. The strongest economy the world has or has had”[2] and to believe—and act upon—the assumption that the U.S. sprang from the earth to dominate it and thus cannot possibly fail. (We’re exceptional, after all, and we’ll keep shouting about our superpoweriness while we stand on the rubble of what used to be streets, bridges and public works as the impoverished and diseased remnants of the population look on if we’re not careful.) There’s surely a peril in the strongly held conviction that “as is” equals “as ever” just because we’ve studied our history and the case is closed. “[The] assumption is that history is over. You know, we are very sloppy here. We don’t have a fixed identity.”[3]

Francisco Goya, "Saturn (Kronos) Devouring His Son," 1820-23. Museo del Prado, Madrid.

So when I hear the expression of “history repeats itself” in the face of a world that itself faces man-made climate change, the unintended consequences of 6.94 billion people living on it,[4] a changing global economy, geography, and power structure (multi-polar, multi-polar, multi-polar!), I worry that if we, the U.S., doesn’t handle this smartly and listen more than we speak, metaphorically, then the events of History and Time—or our interpretation of them– will devour us alive.[5]

After all, as Simon Schama has pointed out, history “is definitely not in the thumb-sucking business.” It means “inquiry,” not “story,” and it, as he says, keeps us awake at night. It isn’t a predictive map or a “geneology of feeling wonderful about who we are now…[it is not] the furniture polish of antiques.”

But whether so many of the chatterati (and politicians) are right and everything now is clear and fits into an historical pattern or whether I am right and this could be something different, my position is: We just can’t know. We are uncertain and should proceed with caution. We should not be certain about our certainties, because it’s entirely possible that something can look like a duck, quack like a duck, walk like a duck and not be a duck. (Video of ducks, which is not the same thing as actually being ducks.)

Rene Magritte, "La Trahison des Images," 1929. Los Angeles County Museum of Art

Or, as Magritte painted it in The Treachery of Images: Ceci n’est pas une pipe. “This is not a pipe.” It’s a representation of a pipe. (And right now, you’re not looking at a pipe or even a representation of a pipe. You’re looking at a pixilated representation of a representation of a pipe. Put a mirror up to it if you really want to play recursive mind games with yourself.)

And so it is with history and time and our place in both. Sometimes we don’t see what we are so sure we are seeing. Sometimes the smartest answer in the world is “I don’t know.” This is not a pipe.


[1] “My own suspicion is that history is not symmetrical. And that unfortunately things don’t necessarily go down…the same arc they came up on.” James Howard Kunstler
[2] Senator Mike Lee (R-UT)
[3] Patrick Geary
[4] U.S. Census Bureau estimate as of July 2011
[5] The link to the Goya painting and the same opinion expressed by Teofilo Ruiz in a lecture at Stanford: “The Terror of History,” November 4, 2010.

Midsummer’s Night

Edward Robert Hughes, "Midsummer Eve," ca. 1908

By some accounts and some traditions, I have missed true “Midsummer.” Generally celebrated on the solstice, June 21, or the eve of St John’s Day (last night), I have missed it. So I suppose, call it Midsummer, St John’s Day, or Litha. In my imaginings, I’ll have a bonfire this evening and hope for the night that magic can be real. And, whatever it’s called, it’s generally a lovely time of the year with nights so beautiful they live on in memory, particularly when it is winter or when difficult times trouble one. You can always call up– or at least I can– the remembrance of a soft summer breeze past on a night when the air is velvet and perfumed and you feel that things are perfect. Of course, that always leads to the pang of understanding that maybe it wasn’t really so, or the harder taste of the reality of the present, which is not that. Hence, the bonfire of the imagination, I suppose.

So, slainte to the Midsummer, to the memory, and to the copy of this Hughes painting which hangs in my mom’s house and has always made me happy, reminding me of when I was younger and when I still believed in magic, and fairies, and possibilities. And slainte to Midsummer, no matter how chill and rainy it is this year. Perhaps there will be summer yet. It is still, despite the name, only the beginning.

When the Frost is on the Punkin

John Everett Millais, "Autumn Leaves,"1855-56. Manchester City Art Galleries.

“For how can one know color in perpetual green, and what good is warmth without cold to give it sweetness?” John Steinbeck

In honor of Autumn, October, and Halloween, I’ve been re-reading John Steinbeck’s Travels with Charley: In Search of America (1962). I usually do this because there’s something so perfectly fall-like about the first half of Part Two. “The climate changed quickly to cold and the trees burst into color, the reds and yellows you can’t believe. It isn’t only color but a glowing, as though the leaves gobbled the light of the autumn sun and then released it slowly.” And so I wanted to share this, the Millais painting, and the short list of atmospherically perfect things to dip into on a crisp October day, or better, a brisk All Hallows’ Eve.

With a nod to Indiana, James Whitcomb Riley’s “When the Frost is on the Punkin.”

For poison and pathos and the ability to stick in one’s head, “Where ha’ you been, Lord Randal, my son?” Anonymous child ballad, “Lord Randal (Randall).”

Nathaniel Hawthorne’s short story, “The Birthmark.”

Alfred Noyes, “The Highwayman.” For cadence, but mostly for this:

“The wind was a torrent of darkness among the gusty trees / The moon was a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas…”

Happy Halloween. Happy Autumn.